Parenting for Success...yesterday, today and tomorow

(A brief inspirational talk I gave at the Patricia Private School - Benin City, in their Parents Teachers Forum on Friday, 9th February 2018)

Opening Questions: 

1. What is the most important part of a building?

2. Why do you say so? 

Answers:

1. The Foundation of a building

2. It determines the future and stability of the building. 

The foundation of a building requires a lot of strategic planning, patience and commitment (time, energy & resources).

Parenting is the most important Foundation in Life. The reason is majority of who a child becomes physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually springs from here: how the child is raised by his or her parents. Just like the foundation of a building, parenting requires a lot of strategic planning, patience and commitment (time, energy & resources).

Now, you will agree with me that though the foundation of a building is the most important part of a building, it is not usually seen. What people see is the building the foundation has produced or is holding up. This is very similar to how the great sacrifices you make as a parent are not seen but the impact of your parenting on your children is what people see. 

  

In his book THINK BIG, Dr Ben Carson (who is a world reknown neuro-surgeon), stated that parenting is the most important responsibility in life.

If this is true then the greatest goal we should have in life is to be successful parents.

Success is about maximizing your potentials in a way that positively influences the lives of others. Actually, the greatest way we can influence the lives of others is to be so good at what we do that people desire to emulate or be like us.

In the light of all this I would like to say that successful parents are parents who raise their children to be successful parents themselves. We all have the potentials to be successful parents; all we need to do is learn how to maximize them. We should desire to be so successful as parents that both our children and people around us desire to be parents just like us.

Dr. Ben Carson attributes his success in life to his mother. I pray that you will be so successful as a parent that your children will attribute their success in life to you.

Dr. Ben Carson is the first doctor in the world to successfully operate upon a siamese twins (who were born with their heads joined together) and separate them. This is how our success as parents will translate into the saving of many lives and impacting of our society and world at large.

From reading Dr. Ben Carson’s book, there are 3 major lessons I learn from his mother’s life:

1. Vision and encouragement (inspiration).

2. Balance of love and discipline. 

3. Great sacrifice and Commitment. ... to the above

Vision and encouragement (inspiration): She saw them (her children) becoming great in life and she spent time with them telling them and encouraging them to be their best. She believed in them and she encouraged them to read and work hard.

Balance of love and discipline: She did not give them too much of any thing. She made them have time for TV and also have time for their books. She made them have time for play and friends and she made them have time for house chores.

Great sacrifice and commitment: Though she worked several jobs (like as a cook and cleaner in different organizations) and was not very educated, she was committed to spending time with her children, encouraging them and making sure they were working hard and behaving well.  

 

Dr. Ben Carson’s mother is really a very inspiring model of a good parent.

 

In our world today, there is so much attack on the parenting and family foundation. One reason is because of the very great potential it has. No one throws stones at a tree that doesn’t have fruit.

In line with our topic, we shall consider one major thing that has affected parenting in the past and is affecting parenting right now and will affect parenting even more in the future:

It is the influence of knowledge, technology and exposure (awareness). 

This influence has brought about great opportunities for growth and development, for example in business and also financially but it has also brought about a lot more distractions and eroding of societal and life values. 

In talking about the negative effects, for parents; the level of relationship and communication with children has been affected by how busy and distracted parents have become.

For children, values like patience, focus, discipline, respect for elders and willingness to work hard are fast being eroded.

With the modern machines and devices so many things have become so easy and fast to do that children are losing the desire to be patient and to work hard. Things like entertainment have become much more accessible that focus on things like education is being affected and general ability to maintain a long focus span is being affected. Entertainment is also eroding work and life values as children see many entertainment stars that don’t teach positive morals with their entertainment and seem to be so highly financially rewarded for their easy and wayward life.    

 

These challenges were not this much in the past and they are going to increase in the future. We must be ready to face and handle them adequately. 

It is very important to note that our parenting style affects both the countenance and character of children.

We seem to be more conversant with the fact that our parenting affects the character of our children than we are about the way the countenance of our children are affected by our parenting.

By countenance, I am referring to the self esteem and the way children see and carry themselves. The countenance of children also affects their ability to relate well with others.   

  

Based on the current and future challenges parenting is likely to face we must be ready to do the following:

1. Have a very healthy balance between relationship with our children and training of our children.

Our relationship with our children affects their countenance (self esteem, emotional maturity and ability to relate well with others) and the training of our children (by which I mean the instruction and discipline we give them) affects their character and ethics.

These two parts of children’s nature are very important. In our world today, success is not just a product of hard skills which is the technical knowledge and skills of professions, but also of soft skills which entails things like ability to connect and relate well with others. Being profesionals in their fields is important but the countenance of children determine the type of professionals they become.

In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey noted that the highest level of success is not just when a person succeeds but when a successful person can connect with other successful people and together they can synergize and achieve outstanding success together. He called this interdependence.  

So we must look a lot more into how we relate personally with our children.

Now let’s consider a little comic relief to buttress on the importance of our relationship with our children. Someone once said the difference between Daddy and Papa is that when Daddy comes home, everyone runs to him to welcome him shouting Daddy!!! But when Papa comes home, everyone runs away to hide. So as a parent are you a Daddy or a Papa?

Do you know that one of the reasons children give in to peer pressure is because they do not feel accepted at home?

Some children can’t even ask questions in class because they can’t ask questions at home. There is a major part of a child’s development that comes from the level of love and acceptance a child receives from his or her parents. 

When our children are free with us, they can ask pressing questions on their hearts and also confide in us when they are having challenges.

When children feel complete from home they won’t need peer pressure influences like sex and drugs to make them feel complete and secure.

I believe that one of the highest tests of emotional maturity is how a person handles rejection. People with unhealthy self esteem take rejection more personally and negatively.

Now, to say something brief about training (instruction and discipline), we must be very deliberate about setting of boundaries for children. Children must know that there is time for everything and there are consequences for not doing what is right. Children must be made to know that they cannot just do whatever they like, whenever they like. When electricity is wired properly into a building, it produces positive effects and benefits. That is how properly channeling or restricting desires can produce positive results and benefits for children in the long run.  

2. We need to cooperate more as parents and show children good examples. There are so many areas where this is needed. One area is in our parenting goals or our desires for our children. It will amaze you how much some parents have different goals in mind for how their children should be trained and disciplined. This disparity can confuse children a lot and make our training not as effective as they need to be. Children also need to see their parents cooperate and do things more together generally. Parents also need to cooperate spiritually. United prayers for children from their parents can go a very long way in the lives of the children.   

The examples parents show children with their own lives, greatly enhances the words of instruction and guidance parents give them. Deliberately model things you want them to emulate and inculcate.

  

To end this piece I will briefly state four things that I believe are some effects of Good Parenting:

1. Immunity against peer pressure

2. Good conscience - ability to set boundaries and draw the line between good and evil.  

3. Ability to relate well with others

4. Sound work ethics

I will also like to remind you that we all have the potentials to be successful parents and all we need to do is do our best to maximize these potentials. We must also see our parenting responsibility as the most important responsibility there is in life and make succeeding as parents (which is raising our children to be successful parents themselves) become our greatest goal.

Thank you and God Bless.